Find The Will
by Ein Kampf kann eine Lebenszeit
Summary: Edward has to get used to his new life as a vampire, and his extra ability that comes with that life. He and Carlisle learn to tolerate each other before fully accepting one another. Please read and review, rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

The pain was like nothing I had felt before. I reached every part of me, not leaving one piece unscalded by the fire. My eyes, my nails, I swear even my hair was on fire. I could feel it all burning. Every piece of it. It never faltered, never gave even the idea of the thought that it was stopping. Giving me an endless realm of torture.

You can understand my happiness when I felt the burning ebb away from my outermost limbs. It continually got faster, the ebbing that is, but it all came to one concentrated spot in my chest. It too was unbearable, but before I could even thinking about crying out – yet again – for someone to take it away, though I had been crying out constantly, it stopped.

My first instinct was to open my eyes, and instinct seemed my best bet. I tried to open my eyes slowly, but the light from the unfamiliar room came into my vision all too quickly. Though I didn't know what kind of light this was. Hadn't light only had one color before? I tried to remember, but all I could remember was a dim lighting, nothing too sharp. Everything seemed dull. It was strange; I remember that my memories had been sharp before…

This light had all the colors of a rainbow. They also had one other color I had never seen before. It was…a unique experience. I looked around; all this was happening rather quickly, and realized I was in a room. White was the main color, though it was softer than white. Almost off white, but not quite.

The next thing I saw was a man. I remembered him from the hospital. I knew he could be trusted. And if I thought he was handsome before, it was nothing compared to now. His features were perfect. His nose was absolutely pristine, and his eyes were the lightest shade of gold I had ever seen. He spoke before the thought of speaking myself entered my mind.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. I wanted to laugh, but couldn't find it in myself to do it.

"Better. Thank you," I said. The words were strained, he didn't mind. In fact, he was expecting it. He nodded.

"_He's taking it better than I expected." _The words were still ringing in my ears.

"Do most people burn for days on end and come to with a sense of conscious?" I asked, honestly curious. I was sitting up now, staring at the wall in front of me. I got no response, so I looked at the blond man to my right. He was looking at me like I was about to die. I couldn't bring myself to ask that all annoying question, "What?" though.

He shook his head quickly, and once. It was almost too quick for me to fully comprehend. "Excuse me," he said. I nodded my head and he exited the room quickly. I tried remembering him, but could only remember a haze. I couldn't place anything together, and to be honest, it was maddening.

That was when I noticed an itching feeling at the back of my throat. I didn't quite know what it was, but I knew I couldn't make it go away. I tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked.

I didn't know how long I tried getting that uncomfortable feeling to go away, but it didn't seem like long, because the blond haired man – I couldn't remember even his name – entered the room again. He looked at me directly, something not many people did very often, and began speaking.

"You must be hungry," he said. He seemed uneasy, and I couldn't understand why on Earth _he_ would be uneasy. Also, his words confused me. I couldn't feel any aching in the bottom of my stomach, though he spoke of this hunger as if it should have been the only thing I could have possibly been feeling at that time. I gave him a questioning look, and that's when he started explaining.

I don't know how long he had been explaining it, or if it was a joke or not. But it seemed… impossible didn't begin to cover what it was. He expected me to believe that vampires existed, and that now I was one of them. I almost wanted to laugh, but his explanation did explain the itching at the back of my throat. I still didn't want to believe it. All the stories I had heard growing up of these beautiful, magnificent creatures were true? This had to be some kind of joke.

**Short, I know, but I need to get it going before anything else happens to it... again. Anyway, tell me what you think of it, I'd love to know your input. :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Please read. Then review.**

Have you ever gone one week without sleeping? One solid week? Given the fact this new life doesn't require sleeping, it's… it makes on realize all the free time the world gives us. The time we, as humans, need to keep going. It's amazing, and so far, Carlisle has helped. Some.

He's taught me how to feed. Hunting sounds so… primitive. Feeding is a much better term. More sociable. It had only been one week, and yet I had already smelt what Carlisle had tried to keep from me. And he was right to do so.

The smell of human blood was … indescribable. It had taken Carlisle a while to restrain me. He wasn't angry or disappointed in me. He kept stating he expected nothing more from me, and he denied ever saying anything when I brought it up, even when I still heard his words ringing in my head days later.

He mainly kept to himself, but we always fed together. He said it would take a while before I could hunt on my own. I admit, I had wanted to go to the war, yes. The idea of killing others to defend my country wasn't a bad thought. Now the thought of killing to survive… better motives, but more wasteful, in my eyes at least.

He, of course, worked at the hospital. The Spanish Influenza had killed so many; no one had noticed my disappearance. He also had amazing self control. Open wounds, sores, all kinds of blood in hospitals, and it didn't seem to bother him. He often said he hoped I would have such self control one day, but this he also denied ever saying.

When I brought up things I swore he said, he would look at me curiously, but dismiss it soon after. Though one day, after a particular incident, he told me his theory as to what I "heard."

I had gone for a walk a few miles away from the city. I hadn't expected anyone to be around. You can imagine my shock when I heard someone voicing their fears of being followed. Their voice was panicked and loud. I looked around, seeing only the trees scattered through the area, but no humans. I was still getting used to my enhanced senses, so they could have been miles away. I couldn't smell anything, so I continued. The wind picked up from the south and that was when I lost all control.

I took after the scent like… I couldn't aptly describe it. I saw the trees passing me by; felt the wind on my face, pushing my hair back. Before I knew it, I saw her. She looked to be about twenty. Blond hair, green eyes, slightly tan. She was dressed in slacks, black, with an off white shirt. Her eyes were wide, full of fear. Her full red lips were unmoving, and yet she was praying. Praying for God to save her, and praying… No, pleading for me not to harm her. I wanted to laugh, but her voice was filling my head. As I got closer, her voice got lower, almost a whisper to me. By the time I lowered my mouth to her neck she was silent. No more pleading, no more praying. Only soft whimpering noises and her heartbeat.

Then it was deafeningly quiet.

There were no animals making noise, no breeze to rustle the leaves. The blond-haired lady under me was still and silent. She no longer had color in her cheeks, and her eyes were closed, her face sickeningly relaxed. There were incision on her neck, but they were clean. No blood, no trace of any foul play. And for once since opening my eyes to this new world, I was fully satisfied.

As I continued to study her unmoving face, surrounded by her hair and the unkept grass of the forest, I remember her screaming at me to stop. It was almost deafening, even to me, and I was instantly reminded of a slight ringing noise that came with the silence after loud noises. There was no ringing here. Only my even breathing. It was then I remember her mouth never opened, she never had a way to scream at me. But how could I have heard her then? That was what frightened me the most.

I soon heard footsteps coming from where I had. I tore my eyes away from the dead girl to see who I knew it was. He took in the scene but did nothing. As if he could. He just stood there, unmoving. He seemed like he was expecting me to attack him. How could he think that? I didn't know. I was sitting on my knees; my hands were hanging limply at my sides, staring at this stranger I had killed. I don't know when it had started to rain, but it was making its way through the trees.

"_I cannot very well be disappointed with him," _I heard Carlisle say. It was as if he were talking to himself. The comment though, made me laugh.

"You have every reason to be disappointed with me," I said in a low tone after I had finished laughing.

"Edward, I did not say anything," Carlisle said, pausing between each word, thinking it through. I couldn't understand anything it seemed. It was angering.

"Yes, you did. You said you could not be disappointed in me," I corrected him. Perhaps it was a bit harsh, but at that moment, I didn't care.

His only response was scattered, at best. _"It could be… but why? How?" _It made no sense to me. Maybe he knew something.

It was then that it occurred to me that Carlisle's voice was always present. It never faded; I heard it almost everywhere I went. Most of the time it was inconsequential things like the treatment for certain illnesses and so on.

"Carlisle?" I asked timidly. He responded immediately with a nod, so I continued. "The lady, she was begging for me to have mercy on her, for me not to hurt her. But she never once parted her lips," I said, looking away from her face to look at him.

**Please review. Anyway, they are getting longer, slowly but surely, and yes, I'm going to skip some years because we can all only have so much of Edward before we want to hurl... Just kidding... Kind of. Anyway, review. Please.**


	3. Chapter 3

I had accepted the fact that vampires existed, I had accepted the fact that my skin made rainbows in the sun, I had accepted that I needed to drink blood in order to survive. All of these things I had accepted, but I didn't know if I could accept the fact that I could hear everyone's thoughts. That was pushing the boundaries of my sanity. I sat in his study as he explained the Volturi Coven. Aro, the presumed leader, could apparently read every thought you had ever had simply by making contact with your skin. Marcus, the silent one, could sense the relationship between two people. And Caius, the white-haired one, had no extra ability.

He had told me all this and I could make out his memories as clearly as if I had been by his side all that time ago. I could hardly doubt I could read minds after that. That was the same day he told me his past from the 1650's to now.

He had focused on his studies mostly, because that was the core of his existence. He had lived through many breakthroughs in medical science, and had even been involved in one. He still found himself unsavory, or so he had called it, but I could not figure it out.

He was amazing; his resistance to human blood was amazing. He was all but immune to it. I could only hope to gain that kind of control one day. He had faith in me, it was in his thoughts. He didn't mind my reading his mind, and even said that it would take a while for me to get a handle on and control my power. Something I wasn't looking forward to.

We were, well, mainly me, happy that neither of us, especially him, had a significant other. I would not be happy if he were to get one. Though, when one thinks about it, it would help me gain control of my power faster. But for the present time, I was happy we had no female companions.

It was strange how sharp my memory was. Over a year had passed and I could still tell you what happened on each day. My eyes had changed to the honey color of Carlisle's eyes six months after my change, and a month after that I had my second human encounter.

That time I had controlled myself, and now, a year and two months after my change, I was in a classroom with fourteen other beating hearts. I was happy I didn't need air to survive, or I'd surely be dead. But Carlisle said I could handle it, so I came here on his wishes.

I had three minutes left in this obnoxiously small class with fourteen hearts tempting me. I was happy I had gone hunting this morning. I would have to go again tonight. Perhaps I would take more than usual.

The teacher looked up from his desk and finally dismissed us. I was first out the door, as was expected. I may have moved a little too fast. I would have to be more careful with that later on. I walked quickly, but I still heard their thoughts and words.

They knew I was different. How I was silent, how sometimes I wouldn't move, throughout the day I had heard many of them ask themselves if I was breathing. They then said that that idea was ridiculous and never thought of it again. I almost wanted to laugh, but thought it would be better not to. There was nothing remotely funny in biology.

But that was behind me. Now I had tomorrow to suffer through. I wouldn't think too much about it. This was my last year of school before what would be college and Carlisle wanted me to continue out my education before I fully forgot everything. During the night for the past ear I had studied his books, and he was thrilled to have someone to converse with about his work. And after this year of pointless torture he was going to have me go to college. He said I could go into any field I wanted, but I knew he would be ecstatic if I were to go into medicine. I had to admit, I was genuinely interested in it and I didn't want to study anything else at the moment.

Carlisle's job gave him a very good amount of money, so he stayed in the modern age. We each had a vehicle, and it made travel much easier. The people at school stared, yes, but they soon turned to each other and talked about today's studies. I was thankful to be going home. Not many people knew where our house was, and for that I was thankful.

It meant less stares, and less thoughts. I had been working on trying to tune it out, but with only Carlisle, whose thoughts were very interesting, that work wasn't progressing too much.

That school led us to the end of 1919 and the beginning of 1920. The start of a new decade. This was also the year I began questioning Carlisle. I didn't question too much, just two things.

The first being myself. Why did he insist on my education? I liked it, yes, but why was it so adamant to him? I asked him this, and as usual, he thought before answering. I was kind enough to listen to him verbally and not just mentally.

He said it helped with my control, and he also said that it would broaden my view of the world, help me understand more of it. This I understood, but when he bought a piano, I was lost. But the second topic was much different.

After three hundred years (or a rough estimate of that), why hadn't he chosen a mate? Had he met no one in those years that visually pleased him? Every time I brought it up a single face popped into his thoughts, but I could never make too much out of it. I remembered her light and soft brown eyes, and her caramel curls, but beyond that I was lost. She was beautiful though; there was no doubt about that.

The piano though. Why he had bought something like that was beyond me, and not much went beyond me. He thought I would enjoy it, but I thought differently. I had never held an interest for music before. Many nights I sat on that bench, staring that the keys before me as if they were the devil incarnate. Once or twice I would set my fingers on them lightly, but quickly drew away, not knowing how to draw music from the dreaded thing.

Many months I sat on that bench, and it started to grow on me. it was beautiful, I learned. The finished wood, the polished white and black of the keys. I remember the day well. It was June 20th, what would have been my 19th birthday, when I played my first notes. I played nothing at first, just random notes, but I let my mind take over and soon the random notes turned into a song. I heard Carlisle's surprise, and I realized what I was playing reminded me fully of him. The soft notes could remind me of no one else.

He came down the stairs, a small smile on his face. Though the notes reminded me of him, this was no where near being a beautiful song. It had no melody, yet. That was the day when I decided to learn to play the piano.

After then I didn't keep track of the days. I didn't even give much thought to the months. I only concentrated on my studies and my self-taught piano skills. Carlisle commented on how well I was doing, and he usually kept to himself, for which I was thankful.

Usually while he was at work, I was at school. I was now attending college, taking medical courses. We both held night shifts. It just made life easier, and we had the days to ourselves. Sometimes I would go for a small walk in the surrounding forest, but usually I stayed and played the piano. Since those first keys I had advanced a great deal.

Now Carlisle's song had melody and sounded much better than what I had originally played. Even Carlisle said it was wonderful. He had no idea that the song was my musical interpretation of him, and I liked it that way. He never asked me the inspiration for the music I worked on, and if he ever did, I didn't know if I would be able to tell him he was that inspiration.

But other than that, I had given up, for the time being, on controlling my power. I could live with the thoughts, I had learned, if I only concentrated on one at a time, and ignored the rest. That's what I had been doing, and it had become easier to block the thoughts that way.

There were a number of thoughts I knew very well. I knew which ones to avoid at which times during the day, and I knew which ones were peaceful. There was one in particular that I enjoyed listening to. Yes, it was an invasion of privacy, but it was like an internal radio. I was too weak to not listen. Carlisle wouldn't approve, but what he didn't know, didn't hurt him.

But the one day, her thoughts were filled with pain, but joy at the same time. I actually listened to what she was thinking about, and she was giving birth. At this I couldn't help but smile. Birth, I thought, was an amazing thing. While extremely painful, it brings someone new into this world, someone who has the chance to make a difference. It was a beautiful act in and of itself.

For the next few days I stayed with that woman, whose name I learned was Esme. She only ever had eyes for her son, and I could tell she loved him with all her being. She never once thought of the father, only how she had finally become a mother and her son was there. He wasn't healthy, but the doctors said she had nothing to worry about.

That was why, on the third morning, I was surprised to hear distress in her thoughts. They were, as usual, centered on the child, but this time it wasn't good. They only said, "The doctors were lying." I was concerned as her thoughts flashed about her jumping off a cliff or hanging herself on the tree in back of her house. She seemed intent on jumping.

This gentle woman killing herself… I could see the reason, but I didn't want her to die. She seemed to be the only one in the world besides Carlisle and myself, that I had come across, who understood the evil in the world. Honestly, I didn't want her to die. I would be distraught, even if only for a little while.

I did the only thing I could think of. I told Carlisle. I told him everything. I told him I had been listening in the past few days, I told him about her little boy, and how euphoric she was about him, and how her whole life was centered on his life. He seemed non-interested in the whole thing until I mentioned her name. I had said her name on accident, but that sent him into his caring persona. He wanted to know when she planned on taking her life.

I tried to find her thoughts, but it was difficult. They were very quiet, and they were concentrating on her little boy, and how she would soon be with him. I looked at him sadly.

"She already jumped," I said. I heard her thoughts become surrounded by the thoughts of others', and they were all assuming she was already dead. They were all beginning to concentrate on getting her to the morgue in the hospital. I told all of this to Carlisle and he left immediately.

I walked around the house, thinking. This woman, whom I had never actually met, had my attention fully. I didn't want anything bad to happen to her, and I was worried about her. It… wasn't like me. I didn't know why I didn't want anything ill to fall upon her, but I couldn't bear the thought of it.

I didn't know when Carlisle would be home, but I knew it would be a while. I paced, I played the piano. Anything to get my mind off the lady and Carlisle.

They arrived shortly after dark. She was still alive, but barely. He laid her on the couch and did what I would never be able to do.

**Please please please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

I thought that at least during the change I wouldn't be able to hear her thoughts, but there was no luck. Her voice had started out dull, quiet, but throughout the first hour it had become louder. That coupled with her verbal screams… it was almost as bad as my own transformation. And Carlisle's thoughts were worrisome. He hadn't left her side once, and his thoughts were also focused on her. I had heard him praying for her to make it through, and once he asked for her not to hate him for putting her through this. He'd thought that one time, when she was silent, that her heart had stopped, but I had assured him she was still there. Her eyes were open most of the time, and more than once I remembered hearing her silently pleading for someone to end her pain. She was sure this was hell, but wanted so desperately for it not to be.

By the third day she had stopped screaming, and her thoughts showed surprise at the retreating fire. Carlisle, whose head was being cradled in his hands, looked up when she moved her hand. He was relieved and happy, but also dreading telling her what he had once told me. She opened her eyes – finally – and looked around. She didn't move from the couch.

"Where am I?" she asked, her voice soft and beautiful. It was a simple enough question, but she was trying to remember how she had gotten here.

"What do you remember?" I asked before Carlisle could say anything. She tore her eyes away from him and looked up at me. She was scared.

"I-I remember falling, and that's all," she said slowly. Her mind was bringing up memories that she didn't understand, that were hazy to her. She remembered giving birth, she remembered her son dying, she remembered being beaten. Nothing pleasant.

"We aren't going to hurt you," I said quickly, panic slowly building in her thoughts. Carlisle had an expressionless face. She nodded, taking a breath.

_Edward, you should go hunt, _he thought. He didn't even glance at me. I nodded my head and left quickly. The lady was confused and scared about this situation. I couldn't blame her. Two men comforting her after she jumped to her death. All very confusing. And Carlisle's inner turmoil was… interesting. He thought that what he did was selfish and uncalled for. I see it as he saved someone from death. I stayed within a mile of the house, just in case Carlisle needed help later on. From what I could tell, all was going well. She was taking the news rather calmly. From the little I had seen of this woman, I could tell she was usually very peaceful. She seemed ready to accept Carlisle's way of life without struggle.

He beckoned me back and I went without question. It was pointless to question Carlisle. I arrived and the lady, Esme was her name, was pacing. Carlisle looked me directly in the eyes.

_I'm taking her hunting tomorrow. I'm needed at the hospital, take care of her,_ he thought. I nodded my head and he took his leave. I headed to the stairs, but she didn't want me to leave.

"Edward?" she said softly, still frightened. She wasn't frightened of me, just the unknown. I took a deep breath before responding.

"What all did he tell you?" I asked politely.

"Everything," she stated simply. She was looking at her hands which were joined loosely. I waited for her to continue. "So you can hear… everything some thinks about?" she continued cautiously, looking up at me. I nodded.

"I can, but I choose to try to ignore them. Since my transformation," I heard new questions in her mind, "I've been working on blocking the thoughts. It has not been easy," I said. She only smiled.

"And when were you changed?" she asked, relaxing noticeably. The conversation was helping her.

"Nineteen-eighteen. Not too long ago. I was seventeen. I was about to die from the Spanish Influenza," I answered honestly.

"Do you know why he changed you?" she asked, genuinely interested. I smiled at her thoughts.

"Yes. He said my mother, seconds before she herself died, asked – no – begged him to save me any way he could. He wasn't sure if he would be able to do it at first, but he tried, and, well, he obviously succeed," I said with a laugh. She was smiling.

"So young," she mused, smiling and shaking her head. "Did you want to do anything with your life?" she asked pleasantly.

"I wanted to go to join the war," I said. Her smile faltered, causing a smile to form on my own lips.

We continued talking for hour after that. Her control as a newborn was amazing. Then again, we were not hunting, just talking. She asked me of her life, seeing if I knew anything she would like to know. She wanted to know everything, so I held nothing back, though I wanted to. She only nodded and "hmmmed" at certain parts. I wasn't paying any attention to the time, so hearing Carlisle's thoughts and footsteps surprised me.

"Carlisle's here," I told her. Shock crossed her face as I announced this. "Only you and he will be going tonight," I added. She laughed as Carlisle walked in the door.

"I suppose I should get used to that," she said, smiling. Carlisle beamed at the lady next to me.

"I see you two are getting along well," he said like a father of a child. She tore her eyes away from me again immediately to look at him. Their thoughts – in essence – were the same. I laughed.

"Yes. Edward told me a great deal about his life, and my own. He even spoke of you," she said. If she could blush, she would have been.

"I hope nothing bad was mentioned," Carlisle said, smiling at me for a short moment before returning his gaze back to Esme. She shook her head.

"Carlisle, I do not think anything bad could possibly be said about you," I noted, standing up. They both looked up at me. I bowed my head, taking my leave. I headed to my room, tuning their conversation out. Though I heard them speak of me, both aloud and silent.

A few minutes later they left to hunt. I didn't mind the quiet. I had a paper to write to pass my medical class. Yes, I could have written it with Carlisle and Esme there, but their thoughts – mainly Carlisle's – had gotten just a tad bit graphic towards the end. I surely did not want to stick around to see if anyone else's thoughts turned out to be as such.

Many people would think Carlisle would never have such thoughts, but one has to think, he has been alone for over three hundred years, and he is a man. I don't think that death has anything to do with taking that… want away. And Esme – and this is just my guessing – what with remembering her past anew and all, would probably want to feel something like that that wasn't forced or violent. Yes, It might take some time for her to get completely comfortable, but her thoughts were lingering on how handsome Carlisle was.

I didn't mind, if anything it made me happy for Carlisle, but I was younger – physically – than both of them, and Carlisle was my father for all intensive purposes.

* * *

A year had passed since Esme had joined what we now called our family. She and Carlisle had taken down many walls she had built up from when her husband had beaten her, and she was finally at ease in his arms. Their love was quickly built up for those of our kind, but we led a very different life than others, so it was no surprise to me that their love had escalated so quickly.

She had done very well, though. She'd only killed four humans, and that was a record. Even I had killed five or six. Then it was today. Exactly one year since we had our first conversation. Now we were more at ease with each other, and we were thankful for that. I now viewed Esme as a mother, and she viewed me as a son.

But today we had our first… visitors. There were only two of them, and they had just fed. They said they could smell others here. Carlisle, being the man that he was, offered to speak with them for a while. They accepted and as they spoke of their life style, it became appealing to me. Perhaps it was their thoughts, which explained more than their words, but the thought of traveling for a lifetime was… inviting. I had always wanted to travel, and now I had the time to do so…

"Edward, son, what is it?" Esme asked sweetly after our guests had gone. Like any mother, Esme knew when one was up to something, even if one was merely just thinking about it. It was one quality about her that I loved so much. I just shook my head in response. I would need to speak to Carlisle about my thought first. And as luck would have it, Esme had needed to hunt, so she went alone the day before while I waited for Carlisle tonight.

* * *

"Carlisle, I wanted to speak with you about something," I said when we were far enough away so that Esme wouldn't hear. He remained silent but urged me to continue. I didn't know how to phrase this, so I said the first thing that came to mind. "I would like to try living on my own," I said, leaving the obvious parts out. He wasn't slow though. My words had stopped him in his tracks. My self control was no where near Esme's, that's why I still hunted with Carlisle. He and I both knew if I were alone I wouldn't keep to the vegetarian lifestyle he had started for us. He only stared at me, and his thoughts were running in circles. From the sound of it, he seemed to have know this day would have happened sooner or later, but he hadn't been expecting it _so_ soon. He knew he couldn't stop me when I put my mind to something, so of course he would let me do this. He finally nodded, his thoughts drifting to Esme.

"I have not told her yet," I said quickly. "I don't know how she would take it. I was hoping I wouldn't have to be the one to tell her," I continued, just as quickly. He smiled in response.

"So you leave the most difficult part to me," he said, amusement clearly heard in his voice. A smile formed on my face and I shrugged. He only nodded. "Very well, I suppose your mind is set. I'll let you leave in peace, and I do hope you'll reconsider though. Not right at this moment, though that would be preferable. But lets not have this be our last conversation," he said. Always thinking ahead. I nodded. Usually I never outwardly expressed emotion, but I hugged him. My maker. My mentor. My father. We finished our hunt in silence and then he headed home to his soon-to-be fiancé. Yes, this was not only for me. They deserved their time alone.

**Okay, I hope this is long enough for you. I'm dipping into Edward's "rebellious" days now. It's only going to be one chapter, but I never planned for this story to be too too long. Anyway, please tell me what you think. I know quite a few people read this stuff, and the lack of reviews is disheartening. Perhaps I just got too used to getting so many reviews with my one shots this is just like, "Hmm... interesting." But anyway, if you love me you will review. If you don't review... well, I suppose you can figure that one out. Anyway, please review. And to my reviewers I have, stay tuned in the next chapter's note. :D**


	5. Chapter 5

It's amazing how alive one can feel after three months of a human diet. Already I felt more… relaxed and carefree than I had ever felt with Carlisle. Yes, I missed him already, but he and Esme needed their time alone. Something I was all too happy to give them.

The one downside was trying not to pay attention to the thoughts. As it turned out I ended up mainly eating people who had done some sort of crime. Stealing some lady's purse, raping some innocent teenager. Things like that, it made me feel better doing this. Perhaps I truly wasn't cut out for the nomadic lifestyle, or my power just influenced my life too much. Either way, I had to feel good about what I was doing, and that was my way of feeling good.

I was also amazed by just how many vampires there were. I hadn't expected so many, and perhaps it was just my living with Carlisle, but they all seemed exceptionally nice to each other. The red eyes gave us away most of the time, so we had no difficulty finding each other. And there was also the scent.

It was during my first year that I learned about mates. I was visiting Carlisle, something I had promised myself I would do, and as it turns out, I wasn't the only one visiting. I had heard of another family like ours living elsewhere, but had never had the desire to meet them. I always considered it coincidence, but _she_ had other ideas. Unfortunately.

Her name was Tanya. She had strawberry blond hair, honey colored eyes, and a strong attraction to me. I hated her for this, but never let it show. I envied everyone in my family because they could not hear what was going through her mind. Mainly it was concerning me, her, and a closed and locked door.

Yes, she was pleasant enough, but I didn't like her romantically, as she seemed to like me. I stayed with Carlisle for a week that time, and she was remaining with him for three. My original plan was to stay with him for a month, then go my own way again. But the blond one changed those plans.

When I was on my own, time seemed to pass faster. I didn't need to worry too much about what time it was, or when Carlisle would be getting home so I could speak with him about something or another. I also didn't have to watch Esme run her vacuum over the same piece of material for five minutes. She became a bit obsessive when she was hungry.

No, on my own, I didn't have to worry about tracking mud into the house and ruining the white carpeting. On my own, I didn't have to worry about how I looked, though nothing could ever fix my hair and I was too frightened to cut it. On my own, I didn't have to worry about when I needed to hunt next, for my father's fear of my killing a human. On my own I was free to do what I wanted, and when I wanted to do it.

The only downfall was the lack of conversation. It was nice having people to respond to. I heard plenty of thoughts, but none I could start a conversation with. That was the only thing I didn't like about this lifestyle. Now I understood fully why people found mates. Once or twice I actually considered going out in the sun just to talk with someone. That wouldn't have gone over very well.

So instead of having my own conversations, I listed to other's conversations. Some talked about learning they were pregnant, other's talked of their school life, and how they have a paper on evolution due on Friday. All made me laugh. They were similar to the conversations I had had with Carlisle. Now I realized that we really weren't all too different from humans. We cared about school, and work. Carlisle cared for other humans.

And yes there was the fact that we drank blood for a living, and that we didn't need to sleep to operate correctly and delusion-free, and we never ate anything. But all that kind of – in my mind – paled in comparison to how human we were. We still had wants we wanted to fill, priorities, thought processes.

And yet, through all of the similarities we had with humans, I knew we were still soulless. Carlisle had told me he believed we still have our souls, and if we didn't we wouldn't be able to stick to the diet he had founded. I saw his reasoning, but we were still killing to survive, and we were killing brutally. And the worst part is that we knew it. We didn't try to do anything to change it.

But at the same time, how could we change it? Perhaps it was hypocritical, me thinking of this as I was searching for a serial rapist I had heard the thoughts of. I shrugged my shoulders, shaking off the thoughts on whether we had souls or not. Quite frankly, at this point in time, I didn't care. I was hungry.

That's how things went for the following seven years. I would ponder countless things, then feed. I would move around. I traveled, just like I had wanted to. Sometimes I would visit Carlisle, but not often. Occasionally I would rent a hotel room for a night, just to get cleaned up. Every time I looked in the mirror and saw the bright red eyes I wondered if I truly knew what I was doing.

I could look at it multiple ways. I was ridding the world of "evil." Killing those who did wrong to others, and made suffering more abundant than it should be. I could also see it as taking the life of people who probably deserved one more chance, and I was taking that one chance away from them. I could also look at it like I was just a regular nomad, living the way vampires were supposed to live.

The reasons my trips to see Carlisle and Esme were so few was because I hated hearing their thoughts. I did like this life. The blood was more empowering than animal blood. I felt that my mood was better because of it as well. But when I went home, when I heard the thoughts that crossed their minds when they saw my brilliant red eyes, it pained me, it was an unintentional guilt trip.

But I liked traveling. I didn't need to pay for anything, I only stayed in one place for a couple of weeks at most. I was sure I was seeing more of the country that I ever would if I had stayed with Carlisle. I was fulfilling my dream of traveling. I had lost track of the years, of the humans I had killed. For the first few years, I think it was, I kept track of them. Not the names, but the number. I remembered my last number was somewhere in the low two thousands.

Looking back on it, I think I took my freedom a little too… over the top. I ate in excess, mainly because I could, and I didn't have to wait for someone to go with me when _he_ felt _his_ thirst was unbearable. I didn't need to be on a schedule like I had been, and I liked that freedom.

The freedom I once feared. How ironic.

* * *

The next three years is when I truly got bored with this life. I was finishing off another murder. This time he had killed his daughter of three months because she wouldn't stop crying. He was drunk. Then his wife entered the house and demanded to know what he had done, and he killed her as well. His wife was six months pregnant.

I realized that I had heard that story before, just different versions. Humans were losing their creative side. Or perhaps I had just been around longer than most. I took the latter of the two options.

But as I finished this mad, I realized I didn't know what to do anymore. I had been to every state, even participated in one of the battles of the south, something I would have to hide from Esme. My rebellious bout was running out. Truly, all there was to this life was moving around from place to place, looking at people living their lives, and then killing them. It truly was repetitive. At least in school one learnt something new every day. It was the old routine of, "Oh, excuse me, sir," and "I'm sorry ma'am," in a deep southern voice.

So after that human, I decided I would search for Esme and Carlisle again. I had no idea where they would be, and couldn't find any trace of them anywhere. I started in Chicago and headed west. I made it to Boise, Idaho, when I heard of them for the first time.

They had apparently moved to a small town in New York. I thought it odd for Carlisle, moving to New York. He once said he despised the place. It must have been Esme's doing. She had more power over him than anyone else ever would. The thought made me smile.

* * *

I arrived at their house with red eyes with golden accents. The diet had been hard to stick to on my own, but I somehow managed. Esme was thrilled to see me again, and didn't hold anything I told her against me. Though I'm sure she would have killed me herself if she had known of my time in the south.

The year was 1932, and we were scheduled to stay in New York for four years. Carlisle had no trouble, as usual, getting a job and I was enrolled in the high school as a freshman. I got tired of it immediately and wondered why I had come back home.

Things continued like this for a year, and then our existence was once again complicated.

**So, I figure if I do stuff that you aren't expecting, I'll get more reviews saying "make it better" or something along those lines. I'm not getting as many reviews as I'd like, but I do like the reviews I get. Anyway, it's midnight thirty, and so... yeah. Please review if you care about this story in the least bit, it would make my christmas, which is so far very bad. Anyway, merry christmas to you, and if you don't celebrate christmas, happy holidays. :D  
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	6. Chapter 6

"Carlisle, I told you not to," I said as he walked in the room with the bloody mess of a girl. She looked pitiful, and knowing what happened made me actually pity her. That was a very rare occurrence on its own.

"Edward, I'm very much aware of that fact but I couldn't let her die on the street like that. You saw what they did to her," he said, lying her down on the couch. Yes, it was a bit different than what you would normally see every day, but he was interfering with human life yet again. She would, no doubt, remember what happened for the rest of her unnatural life. Was that what he wanted her to go through?

"I saw, Carlisle. But that does not mean you can just pick her up, bring her home and bite her," I countered. He was kneeling at the side of the couch, looking at the young girl's face. His emotions were being worn on his sleeve.

"I cannot let her die, Edward," he said before leaning over him and biting her. I turned and went to my room. I wouldn't come out until after she was done with her change.

She screamed. Though her thoughts were asking herself in a quiet voice just _why_ she was screaming. It was obviously not doing her any good. The two people, who each wore identical masks of sorrow, did nothing to help her. Occasionally the female would hold her hand, but that didn't ease the pain. I wanted to scold the girl for being so stupid. By day three she should have known nothing would ease the pain.

Her screams were the loudest at the end.

Carlisle, being the nice patriarch that he was, brought her up to introduce the two of us. I admit, she was beautiful, but the blond color of her hair was not appealing to me. I held out my hand and she took it, giving it a soft shake. She was scared, and for this, I didn't blame her. After a small nod of my head I turned back to my couch and started reading again.

_That was awfully rude of him._

"I admit, I did not approve of what Carlisle did, and I highly doubt you will like living with the consequences of it either," I said, not tearing my full attention from the book in my hands.

"You'll have to forgive Edward, he can be intrusive sometimes," Carlisle said, taking her by the shoulders and leading her out of my room.

"But I didn't say anything," she said, no doubt looking back at the closed door to my room. Carlisle chuckled a little.

"We will tell you about that later," he said. "Let us introduce you to Esme," he continued. I smiled to myself. Though it was still difficult for me to tell when someone said something aloud or in their thoughts, the results were always entertaining.

A while later, after Carlisle had introduced Esme and Rosalie, he came back to my room. I heard his plans, so naturally, I was going to respect him while he did what he would.

"She is part of our family now," he started with. I thought it was powerful. I nodded. "And I would like you to take care of her for her first year. Make sure she does not get into any scraps, anything that will order us to move. Secondly, please do not speak down to her. You know what happened to her just the other night. I am not sure if she remembers, but it would do her well to not be intimidated by anyone, no matter how strong she may be. Do you understand?" he said in a stern voice. I nodded my head.

"Yes, sir," I said respectfully. He nodded, and with his hands behind his back, left my room. A few moments later Rosalie entered the room, looking behind her with a look of, "Do I have to?" written on her face. The door closed behind her and she crossed her arms, refusing to look directly at me.

_I suppose I should get this over with._ I laughed at her thought and nodded in agreement.

"I have no doubt you dislike me, and I hope you realize that the feeling is mutual. Please, go on," I said as politely as I could. I didn't mind having another… teenager at the house, but I believed Carlisle had other motives that pushed him to change this doubtlessly beautiful girl.

"Very well then," she said curtly, straightening the shirt Esme had let her borrow. It fit her perfectly. "Carlisle said I would be thirsty, and that I should speak to you about that. Now, I have absolutely no idea what he means by thirsty, but I assume you will educate me in all the matters he spoke of," she said. I immediately was reminded of a girl who lived down the street from me when I was a human. She was rich and brought up in a well to do fashion. The two were extremely alike.

I despised them both.

"Did he tell you what you are?" I asked. I hoped he had, but knowing Carlisle –

"No. He said you would tell me everything I needed to know," she said, straightening her pose. I hadn't thought it could get much straighter.

"Very well. You are a vampire. You will need to drink blood to get rid of that itching burn in the back of your throat. In this family, we only eat animals. It is inhuman to kill humans, so we do not do it. Any questions?" She had a look of disgust on her face, and her thoughts were telling me the same thing. She nodded her head.

"Very well. Go out into the forest and catch yourself a good deer or something," I said, returning my focus to my book. What I wasn't expecting was what came next, although, what with her being a newborn and all, I would expect violence. Not:

"Carlisle!" she yelled. I looked at her as if she were crazy, which I was starting to believe more readily by the second. Carlisle walked in the room smoothly with blank features.

"Yes?" he asked nicely, smiling at her. I snarled lightly.

"He is being rude," she said, turning away from me and towards Carlisle. I sighed. I no longer despised her. I loathed her with everything I had.

"Edward, take her hunting," he said. What was this? A now dysfunctional family of vampires where the elder sibling had to take the younger one out for food? I was suddenly questioning, yet again, why I ever came home in the first place.

I put my book down gently. No need to become grounded over this. Even if I had hunted just the day before. No, I wouldn't cause more trouble than I already seemingly had. I nodded and exited the room, hearing the blonde's footsteps trial mine closely.

Once we got a few miles into the forest where no humans were going to be spotted, she began talking.

"How long have you been with Carlisle?" she asked nicely. Her voice had that sugar-like coating that covered and thickened a slight New York accent. To start with, I did not favor New York accents. And to finish with, sugar-like coating was only good when on a cake. And that was just for looking at.

"About a year," I said, not turning back to look at her. I heard her thoughts of _Carlisle said 19 – _

"Eighteen, yes, but I left for ten years. Had to have my fill of a life before coming back, you understand. Wanting to get away, that is," I said. Since she had woken up she remembered most of her life. It was different, but I ignored it as best I could. I still heard things.

"It would be nice if you would not do that," she said, irritated. I laughed.

"I try not to. It is not my fault when a certain voice is extremely high pitched and annoying," I said back. She stopped.

"That was exceedingly rude," she said, appalled. I smiled.

"You will get used to it. There are three deer over there. Go eat," I said, leaning against a tree and crossing my arms.

_He's still beautiful…_

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	7. Chapter 7

I really, truly despised her. One would think that she could at least somewhat control her thoughts, try not to make it so obvious that she was staring almost constantly. I play the piano; there she is, watching me endlessly. It can seriously hinder one's creativity.

Since Carlisle had told me to treat her as if she were my younger sibling, was I to say no when she asked me for a favor? Of course not, though I'm sure she would have done her task with or without me. It was classic revenge, nothing more and nothing less. I knew that if I hadn't accompanied her she would have done something stupid – as she was very prone to doing – or she would have been exposed, and the Volturi would have had to pay us a visit.

Carlisle didn't have anything bad to say about the Volturi, in fact he praised them every chance he had, but one could tell by his tone that he wouldn't want them to come down and pay any of the vampires he knew a visit. It would only mean one thing: a law was broken and the vampire who broke that law had to be killed. Savage, but necessary, as Carlisle said many times.

So she came to me, and didn't have to say a word. Really, her rambling, mindless thoughts said enough.

_I mean, he deserves it after what he did. He and his friends. They'd all be in the bank, working extra hours, making sure figures added up, or whatever it was that they did, it'd be easy to do. In and out. They wouldn't know what hit them, I'm sure of it, and there are no security cameras in the offices, I wouldn't even be caught on camera by walking in the front door to his office. _

"I suppose you haven't told anyone else about these thoughts?" I asked her quietly. She had been looking at her feet, and she only glanced up for a moment to look at me, and then looked back down at her feet, nodding. I sighed. Carlisle wouldn't approve in the least bit, and I knew I'd get in trouble for helping her, but what was I to do? She was going to do it no matter what, and the least I could do was be there to tell her what to do, what not to do. So I told Carlisle we were going to have a night out on the town. He let us borrow his car, and we set out.

It was quite a long drive, and I wasn't much for driving – something a future sister would have been able to tell me would change after this trip – but she wanted to do this, and I was destined to help her, somehow get on her good side. She already found me attractive, so it really couldn't be that hard.

I also wasn't much for conversation. I never started any of them back at home; Carlisle or Esme showed desire to speak with me, and usually said the first words. With them, I didn't mind because it was intelligent conversation, but with the few conversations I had had with Rosalie, I didn't like it much. She always wanted to know how her hair looked, or if this certain dress accentuated her figure or not. All trivial matters, and I didn't care much for them.

Thankfully she knew this, and I hadn't had to tell her. She caught onto my discomfort with speaking with her all on her own, something I found to be somewhat redeeming in her case. And so the lengthy drive to New York was a silent one, but what she was thinking in her mind was about to drive me to start a conversation of my own, and that usually never happened.

_I could break his neck, but that would be too quick. I want him to suffer; I want him to know what's coming. I'll kill everyone in the building first. Make them scream so he knows something's coming, but not what. Yes, but how to torture them… I could always just drag sharp objects across their veins, listen to the screams, and revel in causing them the damage they caused me…_

"You won't want to spill their blood," I said, keeping my eyes only on the road. I heard her head turn towards me, a question beginning in her mind. "You won't be able to control yourself if you do. You're still a newborn vampire, the smell of human blood, even a single drop, could throw you into a frenzy, and you'd most certainly get a taste, and not be able to control yourself. Its already highly dangerous, and you don't want to chance someone getting away. You'll want to stick to breaking bones. A nice, tight squeeze with your hand will break most of their bones, I can guarantee that." I looked over to see her reaction. What I saw somewhat amazed me, I must admit.

"You're giving me hints? Making sure I will not get caught?" she asked in disbelief. She looked like, if she could cry, she would simply because she was happy I was helping her out in some sort.

"I'm not doing it because I'm personally concerned for your existence, I'm doing it because Carlisle will be devastated if he found out that you gave into temptation. Yes, you're a newborn and he should accept it, but it would still hurt him deeply. So no, this is not for you, this is for Carlisle," I said. It was heartless, but it was also completely true. Sadly.

She was about to thank me, but realized that the conversation was over, and kept it to herself. The rest of the drive was silent, and she developed new plans, plans that didn't include blood, but had much pain and death. I must admit that I did feel sorry for the men she was about to see yet again.

She told me to stop at a certain store before we went to the bank, and I didn't quite understand her reasoning, it was all really for the show and spectacle, but as time would soon tell me, Rosalie was all about shows and spectacles. She changed in the car, and she kept worrying about my looking at her. I was still a gentleman, and frankly, I had no interest.

Even though I told her this, I don't think she understood. Either that or she was so desperate so that she wanted me to look, to notice her obvious beauty. I think it was the latter, but I wouldn't let her know that. She might become depressed. And how cliché would that be? A depressed vampire.

She stepped out of the car, and I followed. She turned to me quickly, and inhaled. I heard her thoughts before she could voice them.

"I'll stay here. If anyone comes out the doors, I'll stop them. Just remember to be careful not to break any skin," I said, putting my hands in my pockets and leaning against the hood of the car. Now all I had to do was wait for her. I watched as the train to her stolen dress followed her up the stairs and through the doors.

I hadn't expected any different, but when she came out she looked tortured. Like she was finally realizing what exactly she had just done. No one had run out any of the doors, and I could tell by her face that everyone in the building was dead. I turned on my heel and got in the driver's seat. She followed suit, settling into the passenger seat.

For a while all she did was look at her hands in disbelief. Her head would occasionally shake, like she truly couldn't believe what she did. She would go from this in her thoughts, to thoughts of, "they deserved it, and I had to do it, no one else could." She suddenly looked up at me, something brewing in her mind.

"Can you take me home?" she asked quickly. I looked at her as if she was crazy, and she looked genuine in her request. But that I could not let her do.

"No. Your family thinks you are dead, if you were to walk in the house now, or even go by and have the chance of them looking out and thinking they saw you, that could put our family in danger, and we do not want that to happen. You have to cut any ties you have to them. I know you love them, and they were nothing but loving and good to you, but for their sake and your own, I cannot let you do that," I told her. I knew she would have questions, so I covered them all as they popped up in her mind. She nodded, accepting what I had said.

"It just would have been nice to see them one more time, just to say goodbye to them, just for myself," she said, looking down into the darkness of the foot space in the car. I hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to my family, and I was not going to let her have that chance. It was unfair, and I didn't want her to experience it. It was selfish, it was rude, but I wouldn't be able to live with the fact that this girl would have had something that I hadn't had. I wouldn't be able to bear the thought of that, and I would never let her know that. I continued towards our house.

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